I sometimes hate to write about depresive sometimes hearbreaking or even gut wrenching shit happens in my personal life,but then again that's what having a journal or blog or whatever else is all about,it can even be a double edged sword most of the time but here we go.....
I really try to keep stuff very private because it's just that private but then again I need to find somewhere to vent or else I might end up hurting somebody or myself or just both in general or cause destruction of property.
Lately..or maybe this has been going for awhile now or the fact that I'm skipping my medication which I really need to fucking stop doing and take the fucking prozac already but anyway on to what I'm trying to vent here:
Many questions come to mind,for those who've known me for a long time if by any chance you're reading this any of you-not just one person but many persons -this goes out to you,if you find it offensive or that I sound ungrateful or whatever the reason,don't take it like that it's just things I got to get out of my chest that are eating me inside and it's not my intention to hurt you beacuse you've never done anything wrong to me except that I feel that there are things that you're either hiding from me or not telling me or don't want me to find out.God knows that the last thing I've ever want is to hurt the ones I care about and I rather hurt myself most of all than to do that
I've never doubted anybody's loyalty -maybe I've had or have and I never noticed because even I'll admit that I'm clueless or slow or sometimes don't see things that even Stevie Wonder can see- but I'm getting vibes that either I'm not wanted anywhere anymore or people don't ask about me,I'm no't writing this to be an attention whore or anything but I'd like to know what the fuck's going on?
Was it something I did? or something I said? Have I offended or made somebody feel bad? I'd like to know because I get the feeling that nobody even the ones I've sworn my life and owe god damn everything to don't even want to know that I exsist? I expect that of maybe people that I barely know or know me and I rub the wrong way but from the people that I love most of all than my own blood,people that I consider like a second family,that has forged a brotherhood thicker than blood itself?
Tell me what I did and I'll do what it takes to make it right,Have I ever asked too much or even anything from you,I've never asked anything in return,not a single fucking thing except that take me as I am,I'm not perfect,never was and never will be and I've taken you as you are because we're all flesh and bone,we're human.
If neither of you don't want anything to do with me or don't want me around then just say so,even if it hurts the both of us deeply,even if it even kills me on the inside.
Just fucking say it!!!!!!
I've failed you,I've become a dissapointment,anything at all if it's that then I won't bother you no longer and I'll just go away,I won't fight or anything at all..I just want awnsers..
if it's not anything like that then what is it? I deserve at least that
Other than that is that I miss you all,I miss the people that I consider and have been like brothers to me,that have been there for me good times and bad times,that we've cried,laughed,enjoyed each other's company together...I really miss those days because they were truly and still are the best days of my life and will be till the day I die because I found acceptance,I found somewhere I belong where I didn't have anywhere I belonged,that also I could make you or everybody else laugh even if I was in severe pain on the inside,as long as you were all laugh and feel good that's all I needed and all of you did that in return,we all helped each other out no matter what!
I understand that a lot has changed in our lives both personaly and profesionaly,most of us have other responsibilities,bills to pay,some are getting married and others are leaving here to go someplace else to survive and make it on their own since not even in the place they've called home,the opportunities have dried up and have to leave everything and everyone behind to do so. I totally understand that and I do want you or all of you do so well and say "That's my bro/sister!!! Look at her/him...they're doing it...they're making it happen!" and feel proud that you're doing so awesome with your life.
I get all of it,really even if it takes me longer,I understand it because that's how life is for everyone.
I just want an awnser good or bad I can take it!
that's all I ask...that's all I really ask.